Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Not Expecting a Miscarriage

Jakarta, May 15th, 2015

On April 15th, I was gifted with two red lines on my test pack. It's quite surprising because I thought I'd wait longer to get pregnant. I even updated status how I was gonna prepare my best while waiting for a miracle happened. Despite that, I of course was in awe, looking at test pack several times to make sure myself that it was true. My period had been late about two weeks. So I believed that I was positively pregnant. What a joyful moment that day. And then...

For some reasons, I visited an obgyn three weeks after. I went in his office, had an ultrasound on my belly, and watched my baby on the screen. Oh dear God, I silently shed a tear. My happiness tear for seeing a successful conjoined of my husband's cell and mine. But shortly after, the doctor looked worried for not detecting baby's heartbeat. He kept searching... in vain. The heartbeat's negative. My baby stayed still. The doctor couldn't make sure my baby would be okay. I tried to be strong. But back home, I cried like a child on my husband's shoulder.

Not convinced by doctor's statement, I decided to get second opinion and waited a week to give some time for a baby to thrive. Moreover, I had no spotting, no bleeding, and other worse signs. I had to give some time. It was a horrible week for not knowing anything, whether my baby would survive or stop growing. What I could do was only asking God for the best. I know that first trimester is vulnerable for miscarriage. If it happened, I would be morose. Few weeks I had experienced a mother's emotion. Feeling happy, being protective, full of hope, getting a bit worried, and happy again. But then a miscarriage would take them away. People might give sympathy and support. But inside a mother-to-be's heart would be as empty as her womb. I thought I was not ready yet for loss.

Then the day to visit another doctor has come. May 15th, exactly a month after the test pack day, I had abdominal ultrasound again. The result, no heartbeat. The doctor also tried transvaginal ultrasound, same result. At that time, I was quite sure my baby wouldn't survive. I surrendered. But the doctor didn't seem worried at all. He gave me some hope. Wait for one or two more weeks, he said. I got one injection on my butt to strengthen the baby. Oh baby, it's really a pain in the ass! And I got some drugs to take daily. I don't know what the future will bring. As far as I know... We'll endure more days, baby. Hang in there!

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Jakarta, May 30th, 2015

My dear God has just taught me how to saying goodbye before saying hello.
I loss my future first child.


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Jakarta, August 25th, 2015

I know it's too soon to test. Only a day period late. It's negative.
I'm hoping for your blessing, dear God.

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